‘COVID Chameleon’: The App

‘The street finds its own use for things’

- William Gibson

I heard the details today about the planned joint Google + Apple CV tracing app. Nice, isn’t it? How civic minded of those two megalithic corporate beasts, who together own 100% of the smartphone operating software in the USA! They’re going to cook up an app that will be smuggled into your next forced update. As COVID-19 testing becomes more widely available, this app will be the permanent, instantaneous record of your status.

GREEN = Tested Negative on [DATE], good to: leave house, enter stores, get on plane, drive your car.

RED = Tested Positive on [DATE], forbidden to: leave house, enter stores, get on plane, drive your car.

YELLOW = Bluetooth signal that you were within [DISTANCE] meters of somebody who’s red or yellow. Forbidden to: leave house, enter stores, get on plane, drive your car. Your residence and family are now scheduled for visitation by the Contract Tracing ‘army’, you and all your family members (including children) are now auto-enrolled in their voluntary removal-for-quarantine program. ‘Voluntary’ is defined as: comply or armed soldiers who ‘fortunately know how to obey orders’ (Jay Inslee direct quote) will remove you at gunpoint. (Yeah look it up: Jay Inslee contact tracing for Washington state. Wait til the first time those order-followers crush somebody’s neck while expediting their voluntary response)

Don’t write me with a lot of penny ante details about no, it won’t be quite that way, it’ll be done this other way. A different color scheme or whatever. That shit doesn’t matter. The above is a description of the essential nature of the system.

Now I could tell from the people interviewed, pridefully describing this, that they are really excited about this technical achievement. Seems these apps are just about ready for deployment to begin! So thrilling, all the Bluetoothing and everybody’s infectoid status evolving in realtime lockstep. How marvelous!

But let’s curb our enthusiasm just one moment while we reflect on how utterly moronic these people actually are. Yes, I mean both the engineering lickspittles and ass-eaters who will engineer the system and also their lords and masters, the politicians like Jay Inslee who hold the whip hand over them. Because collectively, these engineering and political communities are the same types of effing morons who couldn’t even keep hold of hundreds of millions of dollars slated for unemployment compensation, which all got instantly siphoned off by hackers. While our lords and masters and their technoid minions were on a coffee break.

Total joke. A couple of teenagers in Lagos are working their way through a few hundred million US dollars worth of hookers and blow, while these assholes (from Inslee on down) assure us that their contact tracing app will work exactly as designed “to keep the community safe”. AHAHAHAHA! You asswipes can’t even keep hundreds of millions $$$ entrusted to you from disappearing up some teenager’s nose and you think this totalitarian shit is going to carry off without a hitch? Don’t make me laugh.

Within 48 hours of deployment, some Ukranian will flip 100 million Americans to RED just for laughs (Inslee! you jerkwad — he’ll flip you CHARTREUSE just to humiliate you). Then the guy’ll sell his hack as ‘Covid Chameleon’ — a black market app enabling users to set their color to any damn shade they may prefer: red, yellow, green and chartreuse if that better matches their upholstery. And not only their app’s color but their neighbor’s too and for that matter everyone in the Trader Joe’s they’re shopping in — unless they pay up of course. It’s gonna be a laugh riot.

And wait til your Contact Tracing ‘Army’ comes to remove the kids of the Apple and Google engineers who wrote this bit of devilry for you. Then you’re gonna find the real meaning of the word ‘backdoor’. AHAHAHA!

So I have some advice for you Inslee and every other asshole idiot politician who’s salivating at this chance to play God: first go retrieve the hundreds of millions of unemployment funds you morons let slip through your fingers. Hop a plane to Lagos, yeah do a whole ‘Taken’ thing on it for us. Ring them up and tell them you will find them and you will kill them. When you’re back with the cash, call us — we’ll talk.

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